More Understanding about Grief

One of the things I learned today which was my first Mother’s Day without my mom is that many people are without a mom. Rather than focus on what I don’t have, I began to relish what it is that I do have–my family, friends, and my faith. I was able to reflect and honor my mom today. Yes, tears flowed as I saw others with their mom at church this morning. I talked about memories of my mom with my sister and worked to honor all that my mom contributed to my life.

So much of who I am I owe to my mother. I appreciate her strength and commitment to family. Her work ethic was amazing; no one could fold a towel or set of sheets like she could. I made a lemon meringue pie for today and remember all the pies she taught me to make. She taught me how to cook and now I am working to pass that legacy on to my grands. Today my two little grands helped me to bake brownies and cookies—made me celebrate all the time I spent in the kitchen with my mom. It’s the little moments that build the memories, being present, mindful, and engaged….that’s what I strive for. Let us all be mindful in the relationships we find ourselves in. Let us give love and acceptance, not focus on approval or disapproval. We all need relationships where we can be ourselves and receive acceptance.

Yours in relationship,
Debi

Grow and Trust

It seems that God has us in a place of consistently needing to grow and trust—I struggle with feeling that I can’t get it right; I say too much, too little, try too hard, don’t try hard enough, or make a variety of mistakes. Relationships are difficult…we will always have good days and not so good days, the joy comes in the morning–that gives us a new start and a fresh beginning-Praise God for that. It’s important to let go of some of the stuff that tells us what we ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be doing and just be content to be in the moment. As a driven person this is easy for me to say; however, difficult to implement. Grief is hard work and I am trying to be okay with whatever feelings I am experiencing. I am definitely in uncharted territory.
What challenges do you have in your relationships?
It also seems as though we live according to expectations–those that others express about us; what we expect of ourselves; what we think others expect of us; all of these expectations can create havoc in our spirit and leave us not knowing how to respond.
Today my head hurt all day long; the pain caused me to stop and consider what I couldn’t get my head around. Loss is so difficult to navigate. Today I felt the loss of a very good friend who is moving away. The beauty of this friendship is the acceptance she gave me–without expectations to constrict or confine my spirt. That is a rare gift and one that I treasure. That acceptance helps me when I find myself in a place where I don’t feel as though I can do anything right. This gift sparks the courage in me to face my fear of failure and move through it to a place where I can give grace and acceptance to others when they enter the same cycle of self-doubt and questioning that I find myself in.

Grateful for those in my life who love, accept, and encourage me.
Debi

Cheering On

Today I realized the power of being cheered on and for cheering others on. I woke up to the birds chirping with others chirping their responses. Encouraging words create such power and write a legacy on our hearts. Let your words be filled with grace and mercy, without judgment or blame. Yesterday I was grouchy and realized how my irritability affected those around me. Today I worked diligently to be an encouragement in every interaction I found myself in; what a difference! The difference resided in me, not my circumstances. Jesus tells us to not let any unwholesome word leave our mouth but only those that give grace to those who hear. Are your words saturated with grace or sprinkled with bitterness? Will you be a messenger of hope, healing, and help?
Start tomorrow as the birds do–chirping your joy and engaging others to chirp with you.
Chirpingly yours,
Debi

The Many Faces of Grief

In my attempts to slide back into my daily life, questions bubble up….doesn’t everyone know that I have a hole in my heart? How can life seem so normal? I found out this week the sex of my newest grandchild that is due in June. My first thought was to call my mom and share the news; that’s the hole. I’m familiar with the adages that time will help; that the pain will decrease in intensity but right now I am relishing and staying present with the pain–almost as a tribute to my mom. The depth of sorrow reflects the depth of my relationship with her. I am okay with feeling that right now; I don’t feel a sense of urgency to move forward; that will come.
Regrets surface–not the ones that I wish I’d told her I loved her–did that; I talked to her regularly and she was scheduled to fly to Colorado to spend Christmas with my family. We both talked about how excited we were for this–her grand and great-grand children loved her. My regrets are about the marble dish that set on her dresser for as long as I can remember and now sets on mine–where did it come from? What other stories didn’t I hear? She left so many memories and legacies and I find myself clamoring for more; for greater understanding of her; and for opportunities to appreciate her, her history, her pain, and her love.
Some opportunities for humor also manifested themselves….we found about 15-20 pairs of scissors–how many scissors does one person need? I wish I could tease her about that.
Her touch was apparent throughout; she was organized and neat; no one could fold towels or sheets as she could. I’m glad that God gave us the ability to hold memories where we can store those pictures of those we love.
I have a living room full of her things that I want to figure out how to lovingly integrate into my home; similar to how I’ve integrated her into my life and my roles as mother and grandmother. So much of who I am comes from being her daughter–the good, the bad, and the ugly….that’s what being in relationship is about.
Here’s to celebrating those we love,
Debi

The Difficult Journey of Grieving

I didn’t really understand that grieving is work. Many emotions bubble up–longing, sadness, hurt, and that emptiness when you realize that you’ve lost part of your present and your future. The exhaustion seems to be a constant companion accompanied by its partner–lack of focus. It seems as though I’m looking at the world through fuzzy lenses without regard for time. Time is only counted in the before and afters—of when my mom died.
The need to express and share my pain is overridden by the rawness of the hurt and the inability to talk. It is difficult to accept others’ sympathy–while I appreciate their sentiments, it opens up my hurt just a little more when I share the grief out loud. I know the value of sharing–what is sharable is bearable; right now I can really only share with a couple of people and my family. I’ll get there–a place where I can share about her without the intensity of the loss; my memories will be what sustains me–surrounded by comfort and joy of the fun times and the relationship we shared.
Another difficult challenge is working through the logistics of loss; returning the Christmas gift I was not able to give her; figuring out what to do with her things; planning her memorial, etc….I’m the strong one-that’s what my family depends on. Sometimes I don’t want to be the strong one; one of the best gifts was my best friend in KC just making some decisions for me and taking care of me-even for a moment, I didn’t have to do; I could just be. I’m grateful for that.
The grieving journey is work that needs to be done alone; through the quiet moments of your life. The emotions sneak up on you and I find myself vulnerable, irritable, and unpredictable. Then God’s voice speaks to me to calm my spirit and He becomes the source of my peace. If only I will be still enough to hear His voice. The busyness keeps me from feeling the pain while it also keeps me from hearing Him speak to me. May I take off the earphones of busyness and turn up the volume of God’s voice.
Here’s to the journey,
Debi

Stress

While I teach it and coach or encourage others to mange their stress; lately I am living it. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced such stress as I am during this season in my life. Stress impacts us emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually, and socially. I feel exhausted, irritable, and struggle with focusing. I feel as though I aged considerably during these past few weeks. The power of stress lies in its ability to confound and defeat us which takes us out of relationships and destroys our personal peace. Stress constricts us which interferes with our ability to connect. Our stress must be acknowledged and processed so we can move to understanding and integration. Even without understanding, we can create a place of peace. Without resolution we can still consider integration. Without fear we can face our questions, our stress, and our hurts. While the impact of stress is readily apparent in my life right now; so is the power of God; the grace of His love; the support of friends; and the love of family. We can’t really go over or around stress–most of the time we need to go through it. God’s strength is ours–all we need to do is ask Him for it and He delivers-every time, not before or after we need it; He answers in the moment we need it. Thank you Lord.
Trusting Him with my stress,
Debi

Clearing Out

Today I finally cleaned out my purse; been going and going and stuffing and stuffing. Found receipts, earphones, playbill, multiple lipsticks (never know what color you will need) and an assortment of other things I might need! As I pondered this, I realized that this is a metaphor for our lives. We stuff things as we go; thinking we may pull it out at another time. We stuff a multitude of things–our anger, bitterness, hurt, hopes, disappointments, fears, and dreams. These may stay stuffed and we forget what we have (similar to the items I re-discovered in my purse)….until they surface without warning. Sometimes I put my hand in my purse and come up with unknown items. As we stuff and fill our lives up with those emotions that we can’t process, they can erupt unexpectedly and catch us unprepared. Unfortunately, the eruptions can leave an aftermath of unresolved stuff. When we sort through and process our stuff on a regular basis, we are able to move forward and not be weighed down by our past or unexpressed emotions. As I cleaned out my purse, it became lighter; similarly, when we express and process our emotions, we become lighter and increase our ability to be open to other emotions and relationships. Here’s to a new year and a cleaner purse!
Debi

Changes

Seems as though my life can’t go on cruise control. God’s plan is to stretch me and keep me growing. 2011 brought multiple opportunities to struggle through and learn more about myself and God’s provision specifically for me. Without the challenges, the answers from God would not have been made apparent. Trusting was imperative–trusting Him for what I needed. He does provide, not necessarily on my timeline; however, in His perfect timing. Fear causes my desire to control and as many things in the Christian life, God asks us to do the opposite of what our natural inclinations are. He says if you have a need, give; if you want to be first, go last; if you want to be close to God, become as a child….so, I turned to Him and asked for Him to grant me the opposite of my fear–His love. Prayerfully I kept asking for this and saw His comfort become a reality in my life. Now, facing a significant life issue with my mom and additional issues with my family over her illness I find myself fearful again–once again beseeching God for His peace, His comfort, His presence, His love–which pushes out my fears and need to control. Thankfully He allows us to come to Him moment by moment with our fears and questions. He also gives us what we need; even when we don’t know what that is.
Trustingly,
Debi

Vulnerability masked in fear

Many of you know that my mom is in the ICU in my hometown. I haven’t been able to talk to her–she’s been in for a week now. It’s difficult to be far away and only receive sketchy information or conflicting messages. Today I was told that she was ‘slipping’. While I know that life does have a beginning and an end; I’m not ready for the end yet. I realized then that I was fearful–fearful that she is suffering; fearful that I won’t be there; fearful that she’s afraid; fearful of what life will look like when she’s gone. My fear comes out in tears, in anger, in vulnerability, and in questions. My faith and trust is in our Father, who is in control. I trust Him even when I can’t see His hand. I am reminded again that no one can ‘fix’ this for me or for my mom; however, they can pray for us, listen to me process my fears, and then allow me to be weak and not have it all together. I am grateful for the hugs, texts, emails, facebook posts, and prayers. I definitely need that support and realize afresh how important relationships are–we need connection to weather the storms, to share the joys, and to make it through life.
Here’s to trusting the Lord,
Debi

Thankfulness and Traditions

I love this time of year as it creates multiple opportunities for reflection, particularly about our blessings. This year I am starting a new tradition. I bought a plain white tablecloth and permanent markers to make this our blessing cloth where hopefully we will write on it each year and then be able to see those blessings from earlier years.

You know how we all like to write on our tables at restaurants–this gives us the sanction to go for it! There will be no concerns about stains or stray marks, that will be part of the tapestry of the cloth and the story it will tell.

The cloth is similar to our lives in that our lives contain many smudges, wrinkles, and stains; those become woven into our lives. Our goal is to embrace and cherish those challenges that come along and even decorate around them. We spend much of our time trying to clean, fix, re-do, or buy something new instead of accepting the stains and marks in our lives.

Here’s to celebrating a tablecloth that captures our family’s blessings, marks, and stains while reminding us to embrace each day for whatever it brings. Thank you God for bringing opportunities into our lives that cause us to see your hand, grace, and love. May we be the conduit of His love and grace to others and embrace their stray marks and stains as well.

Here’s to living life messily and loving it,
Debi